how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
im doing some of the post-tanning exercises( sitting around and staring at the walls) and i got bored. the sun was aggravating today - one moment its there, the next it wasnt. im in angst. im depressed. and the sun wasnt helping. at all. stupid com died on me last night. should have known it wasnt safe in the hands of my i'll-take-very-good-care-of-it aunt. im so depressed i couldnt sleep. it isnt everyday something like that dies on me you know. all my photos, my files gone. not one left. zelch. zero. gone.
i hope im darker than i was this morning. dont think so though but hey, one can always hope. the world will be dead without hope ya?
was at the "spa"-pool (read: painful jets that shoot at odd places of your body) when this group of ladies entered. when i say ladies i mean overweight, middle-aged, white(pale) women in big swimsuits. i'm being mean. i know. but let me explain. they were being mean to my cousins(a bunch of kids whose age added up dont even match one of the "ladies"). whoever gave them the right to order my cousins around and ask em to leave the pool? the fact that they're older? or fatter and have more difficulty moving?
i think im coming undone. maybe i was just being silly. maybe they were not trying to be mean. maybe i was too sensitive. see?! i am coming undone. anyways i remember being the one to be scornful at my mom's lack of friends and a social life. it just isnt healthy, i told her. she used to sniff in my face and tell me that friends were a waste of time and one shouldnt become too dependant on them. i too, used to laugh in her face at that seemingly stupid logic. such life we shared. but just now as i saw those people in the pool, lazing about, talking(complaining) about their lives and other people's lives, laughing at certain people, im not so sure it is that healthy. at least now my mother is happy(or so she seems), or should i say contented with her friendless lives. these people from the pool...it seemed like their friends are just buoys, to help support them through thier miserable lives and make it even more so.
i told you i was coming undone.
oh well im just depressed.
i am NOT going to say anything about the irritating girl sitting next to me now. =x
exams are over. hooray! haha. nothing much to cheer about really. got back my prelim slip the day before. what can i say. knowing you are not gonna go nowhere these few months is different, and i mean different from seeing the words "you are not eligible for the pre-u course". just hope it wont happen EVER again.
one thing though, it gave us (=x) something to talk about. come to think about it, it's the longest conversation we had face to face ever since then(you know what i mean). it's funny how whenever i decide to totally give up on something something will happen to make me start to waver in my decision.
got a dress(at last!). am apprehensive bout wearing though, its black, its sleek, its so not me. wonder what others will say that day. ok maybe it might BE me, i just never had the chance to see myself like that.
i've decided: i really DO love myself. i like looking at myself so much i cant describe. i know people are gonna start hating me. i cant really say i care right now. it sounds so bimboic (to say i really really love myself), but......still i do. maybe thats why i dont like to really show or admit it in front of other people..but that doesnt mean i dont. min told me everybody loves themselves, but im wondering if they love themself the way i do me. ok im starting to lose sense.
i think its okay for people to love themselves - as long as they dont do it so much that other people are dirt to their eyes. that is just...wrong. maybe if they are impossibly gorgeous they can and still get away with it, but for the rest of the people in the entire solar system you're just booking a ticket to be hated.
oh the world is unfair.
