how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
i have been feeling depressed lately. do not ask me why - i cannot find answers to the questions i have been seeking all my life, how is it possible for me to know why now? my mind works like the underground tunnels of paris; it is a maze, it is hidden from view from the whole world but a few who know paris intimately. even then, those who attempt to venture deep into the recesses of my mind, to try to conquer the free workings of my mind may never make it out alive, just like many whose bones still litter the catacombs.
depression to me is like a drug to addicts - i abhore the thought and feel of the black disease plaguing me, yet i am dependant and reliant on it. i cannot live without it. a day, a week, a month - i might be free from it - yet when the time comes i go back to it, i crave and i yearn for it, like an addict suffering from withdrawal symptoms. i run back into the dark bosem of my disease, it pains me but it is what i know and am familiar with. it is what i know and has come to settle at the back of me like a gnawing pain that never goes away.
when i am depressed i feel like i am living a life within a life. depression creates for me a shell and moulds it such that it fits me like a second skin. it lives my life as though nothing's changed. peel away my skin and you see the raw insides of me, eaten away at by my disease. i am but a wasted individual with a shell that grows heavier with each passing day. in the comforting confines of my own room, my own space, depression unleashes upon me its fangs, its venom stinging and poisoning me until i cannot see, until i cannot feel, until i am unable to do anything else.
you see, depression is my curse; it is my bane. yet i do not know a life living without it. i've grown ascustomed tp it, and even with knowledge of the pain and suffering i know it'll bring me, i welcome it with open arms.
love they say, enslaves and passion is a demon and many have been lost for love. i know this is true, but i know too that without love we grope the tunnels of our lives and never see the sun. i've never felt the ectasy i have read about. i longed for feeling though i could not have told you that. words like passion and ectasy, we learn them but they stay flat on the page. sometimes we try and turn them over, find out what's on the other side. but we fear it. we fear passion and laugh at too much love and those who love too much.
and still we long to feel.
another day of exams. yet another day of hopeless wandering.
yet another day of question numbers, white fulscap papers, the bumps the inked words feel on my fingertips, the blackness of the words against the white printed sheet, the words swimming around in front of me like ants running in lines.
ants.
a whole colony of them.
running around, running over my feet, my arms, running into the ground and out of it again.
on the ground, underneath it - a maze of tunnels, more ants, food to spare and a place to sleep in. a labyrinth of black dots cramped together.
busy hardworking ants.
black dots, i'm back on my notes. my colourful notes, streaks of red, blue, green, purple smeared across the pages. the perfectly neat lines of black ink spoiled by my handwriting - scribbles and scrawls - and of course, the colours. i stare at the colours, they mix, blur, fade into obscurity.
the rainbow.
the rainbow in my mind bright and glaring against a backdrop of black. the black of my heart, my soul, my mind. music plays, i listen, i swoon.
my inner melody.
music to my ears but noise to others. i hear but am not heard.
i snap back.
love me, adore me, hold me, never let me go. for i want to kiss you, feel the touch of your skin, smell you, absorb everything about you. you warm me, you breathe life into me, you make me oozy with anticipation. i want you bad, i'll love you, i'll hold you and i'll never let you go.
what a hectic life.
what i've realised, amidst this chaos surrounding me, is that for the first few times of my life i'm actually enjoying a sense of inner calm.
i cant stay away from you
i cant stop thinking about you
i cant stop missing you
give me another reason to live that's even better than the one i know and i'll gladly give it up for you.
i say it with pride and confidence for i know deep in my heart that right now, right here there's is no better reason than you.
i once said there were many things in life that i was afraid of.
many of them are because of you.
but when i have you near me these fears magically disappear.
im afraid of what tommorrow might bring.
im afraid of facing tomorrow without you.
you. you. you. you and only you.
its all that's in my head and it shows in all that i do.
i sometimes feel i've lost control of myself, but when i think of you, and all the things that you do, and ive decided.
i dont EVER want this feeling to end.
