how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
how did it come to this?
unrequited love was, at that period of my life, the only kind i seemed to be capable of feeling. this caused me so much pain, but in retrospect i see it had advantages. it provided all the emotional jolts of the other kind without any of the risks, it did not interfere with my life, which, although meagre, was mine and predictable, and it involved no decisions.
- margaret atwood
words are all a writer has. that's all that i have. my words, my feelings, my emotions.
that's all that i have to give.
i cant believe im wasting my life away like that. stuck in the shitty school cause of training. which i already had yesterday. which will cause me to ache for tomorrow's cross country. which will make me dread thursday's training.
yes people im running so much i'm ready to chop off my legs. why am i born WITH legs?!
no seriously, thank god i have legs. i take that back.
argh, life is so mundane. gotta do something constructive with my life. like NOT going for training. now that's a thought to hold onto.
oh and i wanna go donate blood. anybody else game? c'mon do something good for society all you little good for nothing pieces of mouldy bread.
nah i'm just kidding, you know i love you all.
i'm feeling nutty. must be from the overexposure to the sun. there you have it. i'll go on and on about training. this is MY blog. i can complain all i want.
TRAINING SUCKS! yep, this time i mean it. i can train better at home on my couch eating chips. HAH.
i wanna watch hotel rwanda! and elektra! omg my to-do list just keeps piling. thanks to training i DONT have spare time.
what's spare time?! spare time to me now is like a jewel stuck in mud. cant FIND IT. i'm going crazy. stupid stupid training.
i should go get my tutorials done. yep i should i should i should i CANT. just thinking about training later and my aching limbs after that and i feel like puking already. how to do anything else?!
its a vicious cycle man. training, sleep, school, training, sleep, school. maybe i should try to break the cycle. like go cycling. in the middle of the night. and then not go for training. or school. yeah that's a pretty neat idea.
oh wait. i DONT have a bike. ha. my mother's big godawful thing with two wheels and a paddle dont count. hers is just...a big basket on wheels. ha.
i should probably stop now.
im not making sense.
i'd just be making strings of words.
nevermind you people can read this for light entertainment.
HA.
to my darling girls:
i miss you people terribly. cant wait to meet up and catch up. thinking bout the times we used to scream and laugh at each other. do it again soon k!
love you guys to bits!
see ya reeeeeaaaaal SOON!
hugs and kisses,
xxx
Nothing hurts like love
daniel bedingfield
Broken hearts
Broken dreams
There just somethings that love brings
When you learn that its all been a lie
You cry
You find that
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till your burned by the flame
Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing hurts like love
So you gave all you had
How the story turned so sad
Nothing left but the tears in your eyes
You die inside cuz
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till your burned by the flame
Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing hurts like love
So dry your eyes
Its just your turn to learn
The time to find that nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you will never learn
Till you get burned
Till your burned by the flame
Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing hurts like love
im the most self-deluded person i know.
why cant i just wake up? why must i put myself through such unspeakable torture? why do i make myself toss and turn at night, thinking about things i know could never be?
why am i lying to myself?
if i had any self-worth i would stop this futile game of charades right now and put my life back on track.
on track. yes, my life is like a train derailed. without brakes, without any means to call for help. speeding onwards into the darkness, knowing not where i'll end up in but the fact that it's nowhere good. i'm only waiting for the moment where i'll stop; the point of collision, crash and burn.
how much more can i take before i break?
how did i ever let myself fall into this state?
i'm lost in a maze, your maze, and no matter where i turn i face only walls. i cant break through - i cant get out. im smothered, im claustophobic, and yet i refuse to move, to walk out, to scream, to get help. because i know i'll be even more lost in the world outside. i'll be lost without my prison. im safe in my own suffocating confines.
i'm suffering from slow-death but i'd rather die that live life outside, breathing but withered; denied.
i feel like a puppet. your puppet. my strings are pulled - i smile, i laugh, i cry. how with gentleness i am made to move, mimic life, display emotions. how vulnerable i am, my strings, so easily snapped if you should want to.
do you know how i feel?
to live life under your hands?
my endless insecurities squashed, just like stuffing in my puppets shoe?
do you know how i feel?
do you want to know how i feel?
am i willing to share how i feel?
am i willing to risk it all; bare all?
i'll never find out.
i've just realised i have not put up my new year resolutions for this year. here goes:
new year resolutions for 2005
1. treat certain people i havent been nice to more nicely
2. sleep early (well earlier at least.)
3. be happier
4. dont think so damn bloody much.
5. save up(tts like..a yearly resolution thing i NEVER fufil =x)
6. study hard( a a b here i COME!)
7. be more comitted to netball
8. meet up more often with friends i dont usually see
9. find someone that likes me more than i do them
pull my heart out with a wrench, stuff it into the mouth stick a knife in it and let it bleed. the blood gushing into the mouth, the rapid, desperate pumps of the dying heart, the hot, metallic aftertaste it leaves, spinning me around and around and with dying strengh, casts me into the darkness before stopping, forever.
the pain, the agony, the feeling of losing something i never had - it all adds up, weighing me down and putting me out until i'm but a hunched individual, burdened by cares from a forgotten time, never ever seeking the light but shunning it, completely. absolutely.
wring out my heart like a rag. squeeze dry the emotions. let it drip, let it flow, let it gush. the pain will be unbearable - burning inside my physical being with weaknesses i so hate, engulfing all of me until i embrace it wholly, when my insides burn up and i can no longer feel.
then let me cease to exist, for living a life without feeling is living none.
