how did it come to this?
im the most self-deluded person i know.
why cant i just wake up? why must i put myself through such unspeakable torture? why do i make myself toss and turn at night, thinking about things i know could never be?
why am i lying to myself?
if i had any self-worth i would stop this futile game of charades right now and put my life back on track.
on track. yes, my life is like a train derailed. without brakes, without any means to call for help. speeding onwards into the darkness, knowing not where i'll end up in but the fact that it's nowhere good. i'm only waiting for the moment where i'll stop; the point of collision, crash and burn.
how much more can i take before i break?
how did i ever let myself fall into this state?
i'm lost in a maze, your maze, and no matter where i turn i face only walls. i cant break through - i cant get out. im smothered, im claustophobic, and yet i refuse to move, to walk out, to scream, to get help. because i know i'll be even more lost in the world outside. i'll be lost without my prison. im safe in my own suffocating confines.
i'm suffering from slow-death but i'd rather die that live life outside, breathing but withered; denied.
i feel like a puppet. your puppet. my strings are pulled - i smile, i laugh, i cry. how with gentleness i am made to move, mimic life, display emotions. how vulnerable i am, my strings, so easily snapped if you should want to.
do you know how i feel?
to live life under your hands?
my endless insecurities squashed, just like stuffing in my puppets shoe?
do you know how i feel?
do you want to know how i feel?
am i willing to share how i feel?
am i willing to risk it all; bare all?
i'll never find out.
